Friday, 30 September 2016

Chapter 1: Gone

One of the reasons why blogging became popular back then when I was a teen, was probably because we like to read the thoughts of others, what goes through their mind, their inner thoughts, etc.

I've always wanted to be a writer. 
I feel I could still accomplish this little part of me by penning down thoughts and things that I observe/feel on almost a daily basis on my blog here, I mean, that's actually why a blog is for too, right? A space where you can freely pen down how you feel.

A couple of months ago, I followed THOUGHT CATALOGUE on insta, if you don't know what THOUGHT CATALOGUE is, hmm basically I would say they are words that feed the soul, at least for me?

 I could resonate most of the mini articles posted on a daily basis and I'm kinda inspired to do something like that? Hahaha. I won't say I am a fantastic writer, I hope I could yknow, bring you into my inner train of thoughts with words and not bore all of you :x

               Chapter 1: < Gone >

When you two parted ways, how was life?

You hated the long nights, you dread looking at everything that reminded you of him. The familiarity of everything, the benches, the parks, the moments that he set your heart racing. 

Whenever you lie on your bed every night, you could feel his presence beside, his warm, comforting presence.
You curl up and close your eyes.
You could feel his arms around you, that familiar warm fuzzy feeling that washed upon you, only to realize. 

He was gone. 

With tears in your eyes and dull aches in your heart every night. You dreaded the long nights. You woke up in tears every morning and tried to comfort yourself it will be a better day, a new start, a new beginning.

Days were short,
Nights were long.

Everyday went past in a blur, every day seemed meaningless and throughout the day your entire mind will be thinking of him, if you see his favourite dish, you will go, He loves that. Your mind is always endlessly wondering and wandering, how is he getting on, how was his day? 

And the saddest thing to acknowledge is that you two aren't quite the same anymore.

You open the whatsapp, wanting to initiate a conversation, you had the urge to type, but everytime, you always hold back, you always had a million thoughts going through your mind but all you did, was to just watch him go online and offline and online again. 

You asked yourself time to time, where were the days you could just snapchat /send him a photo of your ugliest face and look like crap, then demand a selfie back from him just so you could see him like he's looking at you once more with that flame in his eyes. You know he loves you. You know you're the prettiest girl in his eyes. You feel happy to know you're the only girl that caught his heart and attention.

You listen to your favourite playlist on your ipad.

It opens up the gash once more because it reminded you of the times where both of you shared the earpiece. Both of you loved the same genre and because he understood you so much as a person, he would introduce you songs that you will love and both of you enjoyed each other's company more. It pains you so much that these memories became monochromatic instead of happy colours that will bring you a smile.

You resonate with each sad song so much that you could feel the pain stinging in your heart so much that you tear uncontrollably each time.

You long to go back to the happy moments back then and live in those memories.

It dawned upon you that it's all the past right now. You cry silently to yourself and acknowledge it's all over. Nothing can change the fact he has left. 

You cry in bitter tears acknowledging nothing can come back. You hate yourself so much for inflicting pain on the person you love, but back then, things were different.

You fight the tears and tell yourself, everything's gotta be okay. But instead, each time you cry harder and you cry yourself to sleep.

Every night, this melancholic dull ache fills your heart and the cycle repeats itself like a spoilt recorder.

It's a process of healing.

It's the most painful process ever but when you pick your pieces up, you look at each broken pieces of yourself and you get to understand yourself better.

 It's perfectly okay to feel like crap and cry uncontrollably. Darling, you're allowed to.

Everybody tells you, time heals everything. Don't let yourself stay in this phase for too long. It's unhealthy.

You know what? You never believe them.

But one day you'll realize, love is not everything.
One day you'll pick yourself up.
One day you'll pick up the broken pieces of yourself;

One day you will ask yourself, " Do you really miss him or do you actually just miss the happy memories you once had? "
One morning you will finally realize, the world doesn't revolve around him.

It's okay to cry whilst picking those broken pieces up, once in awhile, they reflect memories you once had with someone you once loved with all your heart. 

Allow yourself to. Cry as hard as you want to. 

You know you have to move on.
You know he has left.
You know the world won't wait and stop for you.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing such an intimate post Steph! I really believe for you that its through the different seasons in life that you will grow and be at the place where you're meant to be. Keeping you in prayers and may God bless, guide and guard you in all that you do :)