Friday, 7 October 2016

Chapter 2: And, this is how you let him go

A brand new start isn't easy.

You're trying to get used to the days without him, no good morning and good night texts, no warm hugs, no one to give you comfort whenever you had a bad day. 

You consistently tell yourself its okay, you can live without him.

You know deep down you live in irony, fighting the thought within you that you should let him go but your heart doesn't allow you to. You force your mind to feed your heart with the cold truth, things are no longer the same. 

You can feel your heart sinking as tears roll down your cheeks once again, reminiscing the past that flashes through your mind.

You hate to admit it, you fight within yourself to move on with that dull ache in your heart, those bitter sweet memories that hurt the most.

You'd hate to admit it, but your emotions are in a mess.

So you wipe away those tears and tell yourself everyday is a brand new start, you're gonna start the day right and not gonna allow these thoughts to mess up your mind and emotions once again.

You consistently remind yourself he's not worth it. He's not worth your tears anymore, he has left.

At this juncture, you still love him. But you kept fighting within yourself to let him go.

This is the most vulnerable stage of moving on.

You'd still cry at times when you are alone. Thinking back on all those promises and futures that you two made that were never fulfilled, how much you could have given him, your heart felt so numb and empty inside. You asked yourself , " Was our love that vulnerable till it couldn't withstand what came in our way?  Why couldn't our love withstand the test of time? "

You hated the fact he left, you hated the fact that he said he understood you as a person but yet he chose to leave despite saying he understood everything. You hated yourself for pushing him away time and time again when he loved you because you had your insecurities and uncertainties about your relationship, you hated the hurtful words you'd said to him at that moment, you hated yourself for curtly saying, "Let's be friends, " when your heart doesn't want to at that moment. 

Most importantly, you hated yourself for agreeing to let go.

You allowed those memories to consume your mind once again, you start to try to find and recall the reasons for yourself to kill the love that you once had for him, it was poison to to your heart and mind. You tell yourself things change, people change, feelings change.

You constantly asked yourself all the what ifs, and giving yourself constantly this false hope that everything will be okay in due time once again because you still live in denial.

You still believed duly in the love that you two shared, the love that couldn't be so easily broken.

You reach out the phone to text him, you kept fighting within yourself but you gave in.

The moment you sent out that text, you regretted immensely because you saw yourself how much he has already moved on and how much he has detached himself away from you.

He stood infront of you, you hug him with all your might and closed your eyes, longing to feel that sense of warm familiarity once more, but all you feel, is a warm body with a cold hard soul inside. 

There was no love left. 
There was no heartbeat racing. 
His warm hugs turned cold. 
His warm fingers turned into a touch so unfamiliar.

You look into his eyes, his eyes were no longer glistening, instead they were just cold, black pupils staring back into yours.

You cry again as though your heart was freshly broken once more.

You thought you wouldn't cry as badly but you were wrong. You thought you were strong enough to see him once again.

You realize how much it will hurt you by contacting him, how much it would have killed you inside seeing everything has changed. 

Your heart turned numb with no feeling. You want to feel something but you don't. You feel this sense of emptiness inside once more and this time, you feel more determined to move on and stop grieving for a love that was lost.

This time, you found a stronger reason to move on, because you know it's never coming back. You knew it all along but you just lived in denial that one day, things will be the same again.

There are no what ifs anymore.

You finally stopped cooping yourself in your own space, stopped retracing the long walks you had with him, stopped going to cafes that you once shared happy memories with him...

You try to keep yourself busy, you're more ready to talk about him to your friends.

Tell me if I'm wrong, but I am sure most of your friends would have told you, 

"Oh you can do so much better, "
"He's not worth it,"
"It's his loss,"

I admit I do say these things to people at times, that's pretty generic isn't it?

But deep down you know it yourself.

No one can ever, give you that special feeling, the same experience if everything were to happen once more.

Once in awhile, you look at that corner, that very seat you once sat with him, those soft lips, the gaze when he fondly looked into your eyes, the way he held your hands and softly say to you "Baby you're beautiful, " 

The cafe plays that same record that was playing months ago, you fondly recollect that moment you excitedly tell him OMG THAT'S MY FAVOURITE SONGGGG!
You'd give him your biggest grin and he will pinch your cheek fondly with that smile on his face, because he's happy to know you are enjoying every moment spent with him. 

That's what it all mattered to him. You enjoyed his company immensely.

But you snap at that moment and you know it's the memories that you are still in love with.

Once again, you felt the urge to look back at those photos you took together, your hands grab your cellphone, typing his name, wanting to ask, "How are you? Have you been doing well?" You just wanted to hear from him, after months of losing contact.

Girls being girls, hormones love to mess up a girl's mind each month.

You tell your friends that you had the urge to do that, your friends call you crazy and tell you not to do that. It's emotional suicide.

After all, you still treasure the friendship that both of you once had.

But you stop yourself. 
You put down that phone.
This time, you don't hate him for leaving anymore.
You smile to yourself and embrace the fact that you're happy it once happened.

You look back in the months of tears, sadness and heartbreak, you tell yourself I'm never looking back, those moments were too painful to remember. 

It took so much for you to get to where you are today. You are not afraid to be alone anymore.

And, this is how you will let him go.

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