Friday, 14 October 2016

Chapter 3 : To the loves that weren't meant for me

Dear past loves,

We once had happy moments and memories that we shared together. I won't deny those memories used to have this special place in my heart.

We made vows, promises and futures together, not at whim, but serious promises. We painted our future with our thoughts and love, they were beautiful, colourful. 

When a relationship don't work out, it's never a party's fault. Everything takes 2 hands to clap.

Firstly, I am sorry. 

I am sorry for all the unhappy times and hurt inflicted upon you, I couldn't be that girl that complete you, the girl whom you will be able to age gracefully together.

Somehow, at that point where we ended up at the crossroad, we couldn't continue the journey of life hand in hand together; and we had to split ways and say our goodbyes. We may not have the most amicable goodbyes at that time when we parted; there were always angst, tears, unhappiness involved, but I know deep inside me, I wish nothing but the best for you.

I admit at the beginning where I started my own journey alone, I missed terribly of what I used to have; I was so afraid to be alone, afraid of changes, so afraid of so much uncertainties that were awaiting for me. I wanted so much to go back; retrace back the path to find you. 

I was tired and so were you. We both fought hard and exhaust ourselves entirely out. We both quarrelled and explained and the cycle repeats itself. It was never ending. We both forgot what were the happy times, when we look at each other, it was pain, sadness and more unhappy memories formed in our minds. Painful and torment was an understatement, but somehow I just couldn't bear to let everything go.

The tries of letting you go was painful, it's those heart aches that you feel a dull aching pain that you feel you couldn't numb your heart with time. I couldn't not tear when I talk about us to others. 

Regret was once what went through my mind when I talked to others about us. Regret with all the what ifs.

Many times I felt like just giving in to everything, just so I can have both of us back. But I know that's just temporary. 

Heart over matter, matter over heart. 

Deep down, we both know we can't be together. Be it habits, lifestyles, mind frequencies, our futures just couldn't align, or if not, timings were never right for us. I fought in denial, for that little spark of hope that things would work out right somehow for the both of us. I often questioned myself, "Am I in love with you or in love with the memories that we once shared?"

 It pains so much for me to say, you are my past. It pains me so much to acknowledge that whatever we had, faded from colourful to grey. It was even more painful to watch the love die; floundering in gasp for oxygen the darkness, trying to keep the flame alive.

It took me so much courage to let all the negativity in life go, for you were once the person that mattered to me in my life. You were my source of happiness for so long. You were the first one whom I would think of when I needed love and comfort; my safe haven. You were the one who could always make things right for me again.

No, I couldn't turn to you for any of those things anymore. I had to fend for myself, cry to myself, cheer myself up and learn to make myself feel better. I've learnt to be stronger and know how to truly be happy and found myself once again.

My heart needed to heal before I could love someone wholly and unconditionally again.

If you were to ask me, am I afraid of falling in love again 6 months ago, I would say a resounding yes. I won't deny I am afraid. Afraid to take that step out to fall in love again. It took me so much to get to where I am and I'm never looking back. I am so afraid to get my heart broken once more. 

 To fall so deeply in love with the wrong one, and just to get my heart broken and disappointed that he was never the one. The whole painful cycle repeats itself again. I rather be single than to be in love with the wrong one. 

Someone ever told me how some memories were so painful till he would never look back. Your heart says yes but your mind tells you not to. I finally understood how that felt. I don't need anymore negativity in my life and don't see a need to explain to everyone/anyone who doesn't understands.

A year ago I wouldn't have thought that I would be able to say this; I certainly do not regret having the courage to finally voice out on what I wish to do, my life is not going to be dictated by others anymore.

I've finally found myself back and learnt how to be happy once more. I wouldn't give that up for the world.

To the loves that weren't meant to be mine, let us close this chapter of us with a smile and be happy that it once happened. I hope you will be happy wherever you are, I sincerely wish you well and hope you will find the love of your life soon. 

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